You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
