i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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