dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
