Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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