Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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