areolas are like halos for boobs.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
