I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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