Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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