I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
