Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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