Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
