bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
