You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
