dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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