ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
How does one acquire holy water?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
