At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
