It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize
