I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
