I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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