i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Dicks are not precious.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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