grandma shit on top of the toilet
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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