i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
