they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
