He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
