if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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