Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Floor bacon is actually really good
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
