somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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