I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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