he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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