i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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