wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
