just tell him i said nine months
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
