Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
