i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
