How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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