Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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