That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
