I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
