i wish my penis had a tongue
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
