it was like his penis was on wheels.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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