Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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