Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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