I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
