I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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