I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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