i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
