discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How naked do you want me to be?
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