dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
