I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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