I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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