Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
