He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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