i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
