I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
